Food Vouchers
The U.N. announced that it will start text messaging food vouchers to Iraqi refugees on their cell phones.

You know, for all those people who can't afford food but can afford cell phones.

- Jimmy Fallon
They have a new prime minister in Great Britain. His name is David Cameron and today, in his first speech, he pledged to protect the country from terrorism.

So tomorrow, he is meeting with the nation's top T-shirt vendors.

- David Letterman

Idol Controversy
Did you hear about the "American Idol" contestant who was disqualified this week?

Producers kicked her out after she tested positive for dignity.

- David Letterman

Retirement
President Bush is enjoying his retirement in Crawford, Texas.

Maybe not as much as we are...

- David Letterman

It's a great day for President Barack Obama. He accepted a Noble Peace Prize in Norway.

I don't want to say this Obama-love is out of control, but his acceptance speech for the Nobel Prize just won a Pulitzer Prize.

- Craig Ferguson

Female Bombers
The wife of Al Qaeda's second in command is now calling on women to become suicide bombers.

To qualify, they must be able to push a car loaded with explosives, because, as you know, women aren't allowed to drive over there.

- Jay Leno

Money Matters
Some people are already criticizing the Obama's decision to cut the pay of the executives at companies that received bailout money. They say this could cause a lot of these guys to quit...

Because you wouldn't want to lose the geniuses who lost us hundreds of billions of dollars.

- Jay Leno

New Faces
The 81st Academy Awards are being held on Sunday.

There are going to be a lot of new faces at the Academy Awards this year ... not new people, just new faces.

- David Letterman